Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
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Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
So cool that avocados come with those little wooden balls inside, I think I have collected the whole set
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart
Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.