Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter

daniel radcliffe: hello

agent: would you like to be in a movie

daniel radcliffe: is it very strange

agent: yes

daniel radcliffe: then yes

agent: when can you get here

daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.

ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair

hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!

you can read the whole thing here:

MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-

ME: *slams on brakes*

Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.

scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit

I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE

I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance

doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how to spell it

4yo: can you get this open for me?

Me: oomph this is kinda tough

4yo: use your claws

[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this

surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*

If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.

Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house

Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP

on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours

I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…

I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it

Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.

I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.

Parenting is easy.

I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other