Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace
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“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.