Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace
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People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
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I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
selfie game
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.