No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
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Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
sleeping beauty
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
britain’s three elite institutions
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Gods work.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.