Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
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10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer
*temp reaches 95 degrees*
Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar