Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.

If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.

do you like my signals
I mixed them myself

Maybe she’s losing it.

Maybe it’s quarantine.

a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs

me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening

Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.

Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.

Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.

What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?

My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol

Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.

People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times

I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.

“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”

The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.

Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.

Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.

Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.

Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.

me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are

WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”

me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight

The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.

waiter: how was your roast duck sir

me: fine, i’ll take the bill now

waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part

me: no no, i need to pay

waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir

And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”

Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.