Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor is mowing his lawn.

There is snow on the ground.

[locks doors]

wife: i wish you’d moan during sex

[later, whilst doing the sex]

me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese

If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.

As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant

He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices

me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]

Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.

[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar

i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport

[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth

If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.

Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.

People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.

Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.

Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.

judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?

me: I do

One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?

Show your work.

[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]

Boss: I need you to finish your projec-

[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]

Boss: Never mind

When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”

You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..

Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso

*scampers over to ice cream truck*

Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it

Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.

The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating

Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?

TSA agent: … what… is it.

Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!

TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.

Get in loser we’re going crying

Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song