Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?

[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN

cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs

me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did

i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.

Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does

My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.

Nobody:

Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”

I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.

Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.

Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.

The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.

Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”

*crunching sounds*

Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]

Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.

PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask

ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged

Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?

JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back

colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe

also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund

“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”

– Large intestines

My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

Coworker: How did your review go?

Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…

Coworker:

Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.

ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.

i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making

There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving

son: dad sing me a song

me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS

wife from the other room: JEANS

me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR

wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR

me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER

I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.

I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”

[at the club]

Me: I got the moves

Her: it’s “runs”

My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs

Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.