Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what’s the point then??

my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”

Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.

i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice

Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.

[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car

HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.

ATM: just any 4 numbers.

I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife

I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3

Him: don’t you want your umbrella?

Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining

Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is

Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin

*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.

You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children

Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible

Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too

Angel: we need to make more creatures

God: why?

Angel: you killed them all

God:

Angel: giant meteor..

God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute

Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot

God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something

How is this not always the biggest story of the day?

I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.

I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.

Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.

I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.

me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.

my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?

“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.

My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.

So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.

[holding the door open for a pretty woman]

Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir

Me: *blushing* I aim to please

Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor

M: I despise you

This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.

Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up

who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?

A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”

“For drinking.” replies the cop.

“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”