Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
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HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Good morning.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now