*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
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The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
this is funnier than any friends episode
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.