Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.

10-year-old: Can we have ice cream for dinner?

Me: We can have ice cream after dinner.

10: Dinner will ruin my appetite.

This is hilarious

Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now

Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work

shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie

Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?

I used Michael Bay leaves.

I’ll leave.

This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.

Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.

I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters

Me: dang those wings were spicy

WebMD: you have cancer

Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn

WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ

Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.

Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”

Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”

security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now

Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later

These are my emotional support Pringles.

Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.

If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.

It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.

The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.

How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low

Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”

Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.

Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.

Google search history:

-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe

I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.

It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams

Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.