Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now

”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.

I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.

My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.

Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.

Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?

Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them

Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.

For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties

Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.

4-year-old: You have to clean, too.

Me: They’re your toys.

4: It’s your floor.

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic

Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.

watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel

If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

Karen: Are we ok?

Me: [removes earbud] Yes.

Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”

I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.

And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.

At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”

Me: Now do you believe me?

Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.

Me: Then who made all that ice?

Wife: *walks away*

Me: WHO?!

As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.

Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.

My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me

My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.

Husband: “Lost my keys again.”

Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”

Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”

Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…

Thank you for your time.

‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.

[interviewing Matt Damon]

Matt: Well, in this movie I play-

Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.

Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible

My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”