Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.

First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.

There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires

centipede: *gets down on one knee*

girlfriend: omg

centipede: *puts down second knee*

girlfriend: uhm…okay

centipede: *puts down third knee*

girlfriend: please stop

“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”

OMG! This is just the middle.

Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me

The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.

8: but grandma let me

Me: well my mom is cooler than yours

Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.

She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…

went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time

Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave

9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?

I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.

Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.

Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road

Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway

i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there

My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬

Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?

I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.

Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes

If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.

If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing

kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance

person texting me: hey I’m outside

me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON

Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl

Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.

Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place

I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.