Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
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Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.