Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]

Me: what is this

Climate: change

I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.

I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…

[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.

What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.

funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one

like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.

“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again

Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger

8: YOU stop growing bigger

And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined

ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted

Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.

Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack

The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.

If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.

Me: I’ll take one insurance

Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that

Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please

A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer

Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)

Me: Mmm, this tastes good.

Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!

Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”

Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?

Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)

It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…

Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.

🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-

“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”

[spelling bee]

Judge- Your word is dirty.

Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?

Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…

Me- Does it want to be spanked?

A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”

How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?

There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.

On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”

Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?

Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!

[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD