Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist

LOUIS: uh, race car driver

ME: that too

Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?

Me: the hospital.

Wife: what happened?

Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.

Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.

Me:

Wife:

Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.

I recently took a pole

And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed

Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.

“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.

I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.

I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.

10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*

Lil Brain – Out of Leads

Any time I throw up, I stare at it like I’m getting a message from the past.

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.

Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.

Is it because I’m brown??

Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.

Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!

You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: The warrant probably

Officer: You have a broken… what

Me: What

Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.

rich people when they have to pay taxes

ME: I lied in my interview.

BOSS: what was the lie?

ME: all lies. except about my aunt.

BOSS: she wants to party with me?

ME: big time.

idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?

like hello i was also brave today

i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica

i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog

Can’t

I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am

Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.

When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.

me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: is he in line

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.

NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS