Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.

Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers

Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?

Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*

Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.

5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?

Me: After lunch time

5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now

Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes

THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.

ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed

COLLEAGUE: It’s not working

ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working

a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug

which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose

“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy

If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.

For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.

your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies

We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.

Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe

BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.

Good luck with my paper jam, next person.

I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.

Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.

Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”

Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.

I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..

*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*

If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?

*lifts 10 pound weight*

Nice.

*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*

“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.

Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.

Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.