Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.

Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them

Step 2:Become a lawyer

Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love

Step 4:Become rich

if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone

I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”

I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.

we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”

When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed

me: do you have a blowup mattress?

host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.

me: hahaha

host: hahaha

me: (nervous sweating)

I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?

The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?

Women are scary.

Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.

ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once

GIRL: holy cow how did you survive

ME: I fell off the bottom rung

Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker

Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs

sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*

WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?

SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.

Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow

[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?

Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us

ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time

Cowboy: ok cool

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater

I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.

WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: the 5 potato options, please

I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch

My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.

Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie

*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*

I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.

How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.

I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.

Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.