Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.

KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.

Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.

When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question

I know this now

a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?

PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?

MOVING IS AWESOME

I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE

OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL

If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.

You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought

I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro

Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?

[speed dating]

Her: I’m a little bit country.

Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.

[Hospital]

Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition

*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”

Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”

The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.

the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time

Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.

45% of divorces stem from $ issues.

45% are caused by infidelity.

The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.

Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.

I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules

It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.

[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it

Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.

kids: *having a rough day*

air-conditioning: *broken*

me: *sweaty and irritated*

underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap

My kids lost a Barbie shoe.

I dug in the trash and found one.

It was from a set they didn’t know was missing

Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.

ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?

HER: I asked if you were a “people” person

ME: ohhh…definitely not

Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story

Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No

Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash

Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door