Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?

lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots

Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children

YOGA CLASS

INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog

*loud thud

GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.

I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.

Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets

Me: well look who’s come crawling back

Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going

honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral

Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.

In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.

There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires

Not telling the NYPD how to do their job but if they really wanted to catch the guy they should have offered free healthcare as a reward

There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.

You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.

The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!

What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.

its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter

A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.

oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head

Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.

I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy

Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”

no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.

Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane

Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.

I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny

I see dead people.

No wait, I take that back.

I see people I want dead.

Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma

Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!

“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”

The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.

The system crashes on its own.

The human race is saved by shitty programming.

Mornin

I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.