Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.

Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.

With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.

I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.

I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam

Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?

I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…

Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.

Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.

Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.

There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.

FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight

ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?

FRIEND: um, like…to dinner

ME: cool, cool

A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing

-life lessons from Softball Coach

[bar]

CUSTOMER: Barman

BARMAN: Sir?

C: This beer tastes like piss

[further down the bar]

BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having

My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.

It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia

Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target

[La Brea Tarpits]

ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times

SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway

CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History

CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?

CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour

Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??

Batman: no, not really-

Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE

I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter

I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.

dude it’s called proctologist

If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific

Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.

Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”

Me: “17”

Them: “2017 or….?”

Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”

In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.

Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.

Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk

The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]

Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life

What’s dopamine is dopayours.

“It got weird, didn’t it? ”

*Leaves on a pogo stick.*