#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
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Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
nature’s most graceful animal
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*