#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
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“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind
This is always good for a laugh.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.