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If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
omg leave her alone
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.