Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.

Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches

Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.

So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.

I’m really not seeing the down side here.

At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.

When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?

to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath

notice

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.

*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*

You looked a little sickly.

doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job

I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.

” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium

I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?

A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged

I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains

Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer

Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”

Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?

Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”

(Watching Planet Earth)

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day

ME: hooray I wanted this

DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies

ME: Oh no why did I want this

I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.

“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point

Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!

Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper

Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: is he a doctor?

Dating tip:

If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.

Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .

“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”

My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.