Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…

An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:

1) I don’t have a car

Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!

me: going to the gym

friend: but it’s 2AM

me: got to exercise my demons

me: mind if I have a look around

guy in port-a-potty: yes

My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes

[crashing my bike]

spin class instructor: how did you do that

Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.

Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.

My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do

My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.

one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks

I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.

Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about

[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”

I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”

So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.

Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.

Introverts: Praise Jesus!

Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.

16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek

PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure

You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.

When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.

ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):

*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday

Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)

You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.

GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned

HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no

The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it

Three men are on a boat

They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So?

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.