Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic

AAA: sir this is triple A

me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake

Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.

Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha

me: I’m unable to stop making jokes

doctor: you can’t be serious

me: that’s right

I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it

[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready

why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free

COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it

Her: Is my new concealer working?

Me: Who said that?

At the park.

4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?

Me:

Me:

Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!

Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are

[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]

“Who are you eating?”

I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.

I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.

For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”

I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.

*Werewolf about to eat me*

Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.

The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

If you casually mention at the reference desk that this morning’s been pretty quiet so far, library staff will react as though you just screamed Macbeth at the top of your lungs seventeen times in a theater.

Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…

I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side

New comic up. “Ransom”

I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.

Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.

Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.

WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.

[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?

[grocery store robbery]

ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*

ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*