Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”

The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it

Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.

This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”

Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.

Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.

My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.

Me: Wow! What were you?

Toddler: Godzilla!

Me: And what was your friend?

Toddler: Scared!

Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.

pressed play on ‘moana’ on disney plus and they hit me with a trailer for ‘moana 2.’ pissin me off. now i know moana doesn’t die in ‘moana’

Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.

I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.

My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.

wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry

I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.

You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.

Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.

Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.

Me: [nods]

My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house

It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay

Am I romantic?

I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.

So, I don’t know.

You tell me.

Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?

Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*

Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.

life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe

In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes

Just show up everyday and be consistent.

Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.

if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it

Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3

Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.

I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️