Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*

Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.

Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…

*walking down street with friend*

Well, this is me.

*jumps in front of bus*

It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”

Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.

If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle

my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me

ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?

FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse

If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.

Are we there yet?…

There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.

Okay, Feds.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.

I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.

My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.

Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.

tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes

You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……

why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex

My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.

Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.

billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire

smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good

If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.

My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse

Interviewer: what did you bring to the table

Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-

Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk

Me: u mean my toad

I have a cut on my leg Doc

“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”

But its a tiny cut

“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*

[during sex]

me: imma turn the ceiling fan on

giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo

My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.

Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.

interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?

me: self-quarantine

interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000

me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies

I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.