Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.

(at a party)

them: truth or dare.

me: dare.

them: go home.

ME: my mouth is all itchy

HER: were you in the attic again?

ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?

HER: I’ll speed dial poison control

How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?

I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers

My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?

I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.

Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out

[first day as a microbiologist]

me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this

boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT

I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF

I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you

It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds

I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now

[Interview]

Why do you want this job?

Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around

Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.

[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”

animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.

[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans

You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: *is asleep

Netflix: why are you like this

When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?

Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter

My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.

I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.

Me: how about we role-play?

Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.

My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.

Medical form: Height?

Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.

Medical form: Sex?

Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.