Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
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Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
PARKOUR
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.