@werehedgehog

Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.

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@PFTompkins

Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.

@rickolantern

When did razors get so expensive?

Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave

@jessokfine

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT

@slimmy_shady

I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.

@ComedicBust

I always walk into Target with a pissed off look on my face. These people don’t need to know I’m here to buy waterfall scented candles.

@BlueOnBlack72

20 comes over, obviously she’s been crying.
M: *hugs her tight* Oh baby, have you and Jon been fighting?
20: *sniffles* No.
M: Then what’s wrong?
20: They’re taking “Friends” off Netflix and I’m sad.
M: So no one told you life was gonna be this way?
20: I’m going to Mom’s.

@wife3kidsnodogs

Wife: I’m hungry!
Me: I’ll order pizza
Wife: YOU THINK I’M FAT!
Me: *whispering* Has it been 28 days already?
Wife: WHAT?!
Me: what what??

@DanMentos

Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”

@Oshungurl

Politics isn’t confusing. You have a choice of being screwed by one of two gorillas and one is considerate enough to use lube. Now choose.