@werehedgehog

Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.

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@jellybnbonanza

My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.

@NewDadNotes

[hospital]

Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!

Nurse: you have a great attitude!

Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )

Nurse: aw : )

[funeral]

My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.

@fro_vo

Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture

[later]

Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt

@jellybnbonanza

“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.

@highwayhooligan

I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.

@gavinmind

Dads in the 80s: I want satellite tv so bad.

Satellite tv installer: How bad?

Dads: REALLY bad

Installer: Like “gigantic satellite bolted to a cement slab that takes over your entire yard” bad?

Dads:

Installer:

Dads: YES

@Gooooats

People who criticize the year 2016 seem to have forgotten that back in May McDonald’s accidentally gave me a Chicken McNugget with my fries.

@GrrrRach

How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.