Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
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You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.