Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
You Might Also Like
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
I’d hang this in my house.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Traveler’s camo
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo
ME: *way too loud* A granaconda
ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around