Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
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I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
getting corrected
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class