I believe the plural is “milves.”
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Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.