Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?

Henopause

Annnd, send tweet.

When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.

I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.

Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”

My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”

SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant

Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.

the way this pissed me off… 😭

*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*

Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”

Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind

if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water

I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.

I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days

We are dating

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: you opened it in Word didn’t you

Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?

I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.

Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.

Me: Who drank all my beer?

Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.

Me: So is that a confession?

As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.

Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”

So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲

You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.

I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.

*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen

*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot

*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all

Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired

Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday

[ Mt. Everest camp ]

First climber: hey where’s your buddy?

Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.