BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
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Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
is it too early for christmas memes
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
philosophical skeletons be like
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.