BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
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I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead