BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
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Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.
Fiibuster Rhymes.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos