Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We have great news. We’re pregnant!

-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?

Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?

Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.

The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.

How to handle a one night stand the next morning:

1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it

(Inventing bathroom stalls)

Guy: should the door touch the ground

Other guy: how would we see their shoes?

There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.

How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot

*getting attacked by a bear in France*

ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.

My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’

Me to my kids: don’t ever lie

Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken

Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”

Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”

An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.

I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website

Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you

Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know

The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on

[playing chess]

FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji

ME: no you say check haha

[sound of clattering hooves increases]

[First day as a Waiter]

Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.

Me: Probably what killed it.

ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.

BOSS: I love that

ME: My fir babies

HER: Get out

An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.

That’s it.I’m out.

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.

{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.

The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides

Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.

me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!

My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this