Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relationship Status:

My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.

A sip for you, a sip for me.

If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter

I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.

JUDAS: any weekend plans?

JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided

JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both

JESUS: what?

JUDAS: what?

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

A satisfactory.

The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.

WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?

India’s tiger population is up 30%!

I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.

When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.

women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.

women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.

I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.

FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious

Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.

If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.

You put the shhh in bullshhhit.

DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here

the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope

She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.

Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”

Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.

look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on

Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.

[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

Pros and cons of doing something you love:

Pros: It’s something you love

Cons: Doing.

Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.

#happyhalloween

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.

Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.

Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?

E1: Lol, “amusement park.”

Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?

3yo: No.

Hubs: Is that a new one?

3yo: Yes.

Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?

3yo: …Yes.