bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
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Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
When your parents check you’re ok.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”