Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.

I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”

A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids

Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.

As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.

Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>

Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.

Don’t do that.

Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.

WIFE: I’m leaving you

ME: oh no what happened?

WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore

ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this

WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-

ME: it must not have saved!

WIFE:

ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?

When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.

[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders

Welcome to adulthood.

You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.

The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.

When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.

apparently this year was written by stephen king

Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful

Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since

Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.

Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.

Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?

Hockey puck:

reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”

INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?

ME: How do I access the WIFI?

INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job

ME: Is that all capital?

Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code

Dog: [taps paw]

Me: what did it say?

Scientist: “woof”

Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.

Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?

I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.

them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty

me:

Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.

If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.