“Bag Full”. Me too vacuum. Me too.
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“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”
-Me, as a therapist.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
when nothing goes right… go left
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
japanese corn
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Lmaoo 😂
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.