“Bag Full”. Me too vacuum. Me too.
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If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this