Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen
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Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Oh hi lol
Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
PARKOUR
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.