Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen
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Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
🤭😂
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Are you ok, human???
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed