Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen
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Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.