Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.

I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?

I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.

You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol

The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble

waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined

me: run it again

waiter: i ran it three times

me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?

her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.

Wife: but she’s only 3.

Me: I need the extra time.

Wife: why?

Me: to catch and train the owl.

At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.

Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.

12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?

Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.

I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.

OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.

Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.

HAHAHAHAHA!

Just kidding. He totally threw up.

To err is human… To not know what err means is American.

My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.

Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.

I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.

REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?

OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.

“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”

A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”

Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry

Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.

Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?

Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅

[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true

Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why

Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”

*Turns on laser*

*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*

We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.

Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.