Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”

I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house

Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.

I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?

Puts myself out there

Puts myself back bc wtfff

Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down

GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.

My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.

ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs

HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan

ME: ok we have two problems

I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.

Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.

Jfc.

[God creating cheesecake]

GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good

ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?

GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]

So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”

If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.

Introverted vegans go meetless

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.

“Get over yourself.”

*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.

It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST

[ during sex ]

Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.

Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.

[getting up to speak at a funeral even though I didn’t know the person that well but I want to show off my new shirt] sometimes your mail man is more than just a mail man

For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.

Me: what do you want for dinner?

3yo: nothing.

Me: you want cheese on that nothing?

3yo: yes please.

If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.

making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop