Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.

Me: And another thing…

dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor

Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it

*discovering a dead body*

Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?

Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.

Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.

Me carrying around all the patience I have today x

they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago

me: help, my house is burning down!

mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it

*finds a corpse in the house*

Oh great, more cleaning.

People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”

“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”

– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.

Them: We should go for a walk in the park

Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?

Them:

Me: Oh right, exercise

6: I want to grow my hair longer.

Me: Oka—

6: So I can bite it.

Me:

lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time

Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?

Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”

-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*

4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.

But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me

Scientists: we have invented healthy food

Me: are you sure it’s healthy

Scientists: …no

Me: are you sure it’s food

Scientists: …no

You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby

if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?

You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.

Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.

Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.

I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie

toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.