bags with threatening auras
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cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool