bags with threatening auras
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just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.
You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
realest tweet ever.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.