Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin

*Dwarves all turn their heads*

Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy

The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.

What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?

If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.

I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.

took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired

i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot

Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA

Natives: actually it’s no-

C: HI INDIANS

N: no see, we are nowhere near-

C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD

Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything

*learns about complementary colors*

in my head:

red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys

Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?

4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full

Me: are you sure…

4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!

Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…

4yo: Can I have a snack?

Me: 🧐

jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again

i mean good morning

I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.

Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock

You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!

landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent

me: can you tell my boss that

*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*

this bar is not in space

My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me

They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.

I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit

I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.

I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?

All I want for Christmas is you.

Buried in my backyard.