Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
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KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*
Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.
Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Muppet Screams
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”