Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”

Cashier: Have a great day

[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}

Me: I have bad news

overrated: crying in the shower

underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos

Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.

Scammers: Hi!

Me: Not like that.

Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.

Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning

alfred: you have lung cancer

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman:

alfred:

batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir, no

My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.

heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.

I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.

I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work

[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.

Me: Seriously?

Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.

Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.

I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.

And my shoes got wet.

*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*

Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…

serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??

I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭

family: we’re having ground turkey this year

me: okay but how do you know that turkey couldn’t fly

Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.

Rascals! #txt

Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’

Clerk: Pants are implied

-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!

Victorian Era YouTube comments

A Brit accepting a compliment:

“I like your coat”

“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”