Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
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In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..