Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.

Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.

[later]

Me:

[laying on the office couch]

Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”

Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”

Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.

Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive

Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right

Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.

yo LA chill out with your restaurant names

Doctor: Please step on the scale

Me: No weigh

Squirrels before girls.

*Job Position: Astrologer*

Interviewer: Tell me about myself

*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk

Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands

If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol

Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.

I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.

[1931]

Him: we should name this time period

Me: the good depression

Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”

Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out

[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about you

ME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money

My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.

coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?

me: no thanks i’m not hungry

I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*

Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.

Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.

Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.

Me: Go home.

Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?

Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.

Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.

ME: we need to fight diabetes

INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more

What to do when threatened by a bear:

1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.

My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion

“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”

– Kids

Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.