Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.

A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!

Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:

Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”

Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!

Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair

requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”

Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays

Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos

fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you

What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?

Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*

Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.

The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.

Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.

me: thanks!

server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*

If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.

A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.

[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*

*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef

911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now

Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen

My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.

My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.

You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.

If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.

Cher: Do you believe in life after love?

Me: *checks dictionary*

No.

Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*

My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances

Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns

my father: enjoying the marching band?

me: yes 🙂

my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-

me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here

Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.

genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes

me: i wish for unlimited genies

genie: son of a

I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.

Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble