BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
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Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
Smile they said.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
they really do be looking like this
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES