Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time

Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.

All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons

I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs

We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.

Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.

I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”

Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.

The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.

Good News: You mean the world to me.

Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.

woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy

also me: lady i’m doing my best

Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!

Me: ah, the irony

Friend: What?!

Me: What?

If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.

I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.

🎵 I can’t wait to

Kanye West Presents:

KANYE ON BROADWAY

Featuring:

“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”

Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?

Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.

Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?

Rose: I’ll never let go

Jack: are you sure aboat that lol

Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before

Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo

Rose: maybe you should let go

me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*

employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights

Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.

Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians

where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?

When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”

Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.

Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.

-first day of algebra class

All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand

*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*

Werewolf 1: Edibles!