Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.

[DATE]

ME: I’m a literature buff

HER: who do you read?

ME: read?

*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*

I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.

i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls

I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.

My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.

CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless

Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right

*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.

It seems to help

I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.

Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t

Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.

I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.

[at store]

Salesperson: May I help you?

Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week

It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.

Panda: am I too pudgy?

God: I have a better question.

Panda: ok.

God: what’s black and white and red all over?

Panda: I don’t know.

God: it’s you.

Panda: b-but I’m not red.

God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.

Panda: [blushing].

I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.

“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe

mfs be saying “feb” cause they can’t spell februawary

“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”

-Me laying face down on the floor

Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?

🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?

[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party

*turns off life support*

*waits*

*turns it back on*

Me: How’s she now?

Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?

Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.

13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now