Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
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I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!