Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
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Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Lmao
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t, down comes from ducks and geese
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
To whom it may concern,
My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.Many thanks
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.