Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
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I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
These are so Plastic Man-core
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST