Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
You Might Also Like
oh my god
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Baking is just science you can eat.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
