Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
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If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Time for evil
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Can’t stop laughing
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.