Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
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I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine