Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
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Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye