Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
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anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
all the leaves are brown
and this guy is greg
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?