Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.

My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.

HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly

Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?

Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely

Wake me when AI does housework

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.

Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.

Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.

Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.

magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*

Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog.

google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it

Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts

There are two types of people:

-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods

-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits

the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler

Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket

tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism

If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up

Date: I like to take things slow

Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I

COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–

GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs

Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme

I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.

*first day as crime scene investigator*

*Removes sheet covering victim*

*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*

*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.

I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.

The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.

SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”