Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.

If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.

99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.

Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.

Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen

I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.

I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.

Monday: forearms

Wednesday: forearms

Friday: forearms

Sunday: forearms

–Popeye’s gym schedule

I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation

Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise

Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”

Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?

Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.

Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.

They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.

[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]

little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶

Hot hot hot 🥵

Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?

Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*

two people or more is called a problem

HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?

Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*

8: where are my M&Ms?

Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?

8: the ones from grandma

Me: what grandma?

8: my grandma

Me: is she though?

8: I don’t understand

Me: well go to your room and think about it

8:

Me:

8: *walks off*

Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*

“I literally can’t even!”

— White girl hanging a picture

Black Friday at the LEGO store, people were lined up for blocks

My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.

I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.

I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.

I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.